today was a bit better then yesterday. Meaning I was bit busier so my mind wasnt a constant supply of pain and self doubt as it was yesterday. I keep thinking back on the years, everything we did together from the dawn of our friendship to the dusk. Thinking about how I could have changed something, did differently. Was I the only one innitiating it all along? i know towards the end, when she called to say she wasnt coming to eves birthday that i asked her to call me again later. i had made up my mind that i wasnt going to keep bugging her, if she wanted to still be my friend she would call me. she kept saying she lost my number, and even though she acted happy to hear from me when i called her, it just wasnt convincing enough. i didnt want to make her feel like she had to be kind to me when she just wanted to be left to her family. so i decided id let her come to me. but was it like that all along? i know i always wanted to be with her. to me she was the greatest. she was smart, funny, and had the sweetest kindest heart ive ever seen someone have. for years we spent almost every day together. we were so close, she knew i was pregnat before i could tell her. i knew she was pregnat before she told me. we felt things. but was i just imagining it all?
maybe she was just being polite about it the whole time and the feeling wasnt mutual?
what could i have done to not matter. maybe 'advice' is right. i must have done something to offend her. but if i matttered enough she would have told me, so that i can fix it. after 15 years you would think, that as imperfect as i am, i always try hard to treat others right. im not the smartest person, but i do try, and id like to think that my heart is in the right place.
no matter where my thought process starts , it always ends with my esteem crushed and feeling like trash. i feel dirty and tainted. i dont know how else to explain it. i just want this pain to stop. I want to stop feeling like im the devil. please God build me up so that i can live again without the overwhelming self doubt and confused heart.
What you feel in your heart what you should do. You've tried to be there for your friend, and she shut herself out. Communication works two ways, and one thing I've learned, is if you have to be the one making all the effort in a friendship, than what's the point of trying? Your most likely talking to your self anyway. You're a super smart woman and an even better mom. You have to keep focus on your babies and stop worrying about what used to be. :)
ReplyDeleteI dont understand the self doubt. Your beautiful, smart, funny, kind and a good Mom. Did you ever stop to think its her not you. Life is a twisted road and sometimes people get lost. Hopefully you'll both take another turn and run into each other again. If not it wasnt meant to be. Yo will go on to be the person you were meant to be with or without her. STOP beating yourself it will only make things worse.
ReplyDeletethanks for the encouragment guys. like all loss, theres a process to the mourning,right now the wound is fresh but in time it will heal and ill be back to my *normal* self again, whatever that is lol
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