Making Amends

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” - Ephesians 6:12-13


For those of you I may have hurt in the present and in the past, I am making an effort to apologise and make ammends. I have been hurt by so many in my life, and for this I have no trust in human, only in God. This kind of distrust tends to make me want to push away, instead of pull close. So again I am sorry, please allow me to make right again. THis long road of life, is not an easy one, but I am doing my best to make it right, and to live rightiously

A Life without You

"As I walk through the shadow of the vally of death " Those were the words that the Minister had said when it finally hit me. My mom is in that box, my mom will be left here all alone, in the cold under a stone that says her name. I flashed back to the begining of my school life in 1st 2nd 3rd grade when Id be sitting in the car next to her, hoping shell tell me I didnt have to go out and go in that building with all the mean kids who hurt my feelings and would never be my friend no matter how hard I tried. Noone in there liked me, not even the teachers. My mom loved me, shed talk to me all day, I wanted to be with her where it was safe. I realised at that moment, in the graveyard, when the minister said "I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" That i had to get out of the car and go into that building where noone likes me and everyone hurts me feelings and be all alone, for the rest of my life. I am 29. I have alot of life left to live. People tell you " time will heal" and " she is no longer suffering, and is in heaven". But what they dont tell you, is how you can live on without her. Your bestfriend. The one who hurt you the most so you fought with the most, the one who you told everything to, and who told everything to you. Even the things you dont want to know, thank you very much mom but i dont need ot hear about your childhood obsession with Burt Reynolds! Im living my days trying my hardest to get my footing in this new life. The life that I no longer have my bestfriend, the only one who really knew me, and loved me for who I was. My mom was good at finding the good in me. She SAW it. If i made a mistake she didnt see me as the mistake that I made. she still saw ME. She was the only one who did that. And as for our fights, well we had doosies. As those who love eachother the most hurt eachother the most. I swore Id never talk to her again I was so hurt. Buut i knew that was just nonsense. and those of my flesh and blood and his ball and chain like to say that I shoudnt hurt becuase i didnt love her because i didnt speak to her for three months. Well I had 29 years wtih her, 3 months is nothing in the grand scheme of that, and you know it. And you instigitated those three months, you been working for years to put a wedge between me and her, and i can understand that. you were geting back at me for all the years it was her and I doing everything together, you wre jealous that you didnt have the relationship with your mother. I dont see how that is my fault,and why you had to go about things the way you did. Now you two look through me and my family like we are invisible and i understand that too. You know your hearts, your guilty for your intentions and if we are invisible, you dont have to face up to that. But you will. and we both know that. Other flesh and blood also decided that others who loved my mother should not hurt. How does one actually feel they can decide this? Who can hurt and who cant. I see how quick life really is. How realistic it is that one minute you are here, and the next minute your not. I question my own mortality. what if i get sick and die quickly? who will love my children as much as me, i worry about these things now. becuase they can really happen. My mother died, mothers die! what if i do too. My daughter had a rash on her cheeek for three days before my husband even realised it. What will happen to my children. Will they be lost too? My mother always said, that no matter how old you are you always need your mother. She would say this and Id believe her. Everything I did I always would think how my mom would feel about it. What she would say, if shed find it funny. Well I gues the only thing I can do now is go teach my son how to read and write and do basic math skills, while keeping my daughter entertained becuase its ten olcock. and thats our schedule. I will take it minute by minute. hour by hour. Now that I have to visualise my life with the loss, I cant bear to see it past right now.