Ellieliz and the In Crowd

My son took this picture of me with his camera. His unbreakable camera. True to its word despite it being thrown down the stairs, dropped,kicked across the floor and banged into everything hes had it for years and it continues to work. He's taken a thousand pictures in this time span and most of which are blurry hes gotten a few good shots. I like this one he took of me becuase Im not just smiling for the camera, i hate my fake camera smile. This is me smiling at him. When I gave birth to Talon, he changed my world. He made it brighter. He did that for me. and I owe him everything now. Having Eve just kept the flame going...my kids are my WHOLE world. Without them, I would be nothing. And believe me, I was nothing without them.
I  was raised under the "children should be seen not heard" rule. And under this rule, matter my parents meant to or not, I felt like all I had to do, to not be liked was to merely exist. I was bullied relentlessly by my so called peers from kindergarten up till graduation day, Even as I stood  on the hot asphalt behind the kid whos last name also started with a C, wearing my cap and gown wondering why I hadnt recognized most of the kids around me. Had I gone to school with these poeple? was I at the right graduation? I was...it was just that by the time I hit senior high, I had learned to look at my feet or straight ahead and to not make any sudden moves punishable by social death. I, however was already dead. All I ever wanted was one friend I could count on. One friend who woudnt twist my words, or turn others against me, or build me up with encouragment. All the things I do for them.  I am not a mean person, in fact alot of poeple constantly tell me Im the nicest person theyve met. Or..I dont have a mean bone in my body. So why then do I always get the brunt of human meanness? Why is the incrowd always bullying me down, to build themselves up? Why am I always the target? .....why do i have no friends.   If im so darn nice, why do I always get the short end of the darn stick?  I guess no matter who you surround yourself with it always comes down to this. Its a dog eat dog world. I guess I just have to get out my utensils and start plating up some dogs. Maybe I cant just be kind anymore to earn good relationships with others, maybe thats not the right way of going about it. I guess I need to start joining others. Eat first, or be eaten? Is that how it goes? ah shucks. whatever......I learned my lesson, trust noone. Fend for yourself, and love on these kids of mine, becuase besides my God, they are the only  ones whose opinion of me matters. My sweet cherub babes with the best hugs in the world. I smile for them...i mean not that fake smile just for the camera.....

Ho Ho What?

As this year is coming to a close, Ive been doing the normal "what can I change about my life to make it better Resolutions". I realise there is alot Id like to change every year. Last year I resolved to be more patient, learn a new language and ...oh there was something else im sure of it, but I coudnt tell you. I think my husband wrote it down somewhere. HA HA! I know I know, Im not the only one to make resolutions and lose sight of them after a month or two. I DID have a very wonderfully generous friend tutor me in french for a few months, until I had my daughter and well things just got so busy for the both of us, her in Law school, me up to my eyes in kids and house work. Have I been more patient? I know Ive been trying. Ive been speaking in just above a whisper to the kids so that if I do lose my temper (which lets face it, I do) Raising my voice still wont be so loud.  I swore Id never hit my kids, never spank. Then a friend who already had a few said that if I didnt swat their butt or the palm of their hand for being rough with the animals or touching something dangerous that they wont take it seriously. Sure enough a swat on the butt for pulling the cats tail turned into a swat on the butt for getting on my nerves. I had opened up the flood gates for a really trying few years and not for me, for my son. Lately after a lot of soul searching I decided that with Eve and starting fresh with Talon I will follow my gut instincts and not spank anymore. For any reason. I should have followed my own istincts before. What works for someone elses children might not work for my own. I realise that now! Talon doesnt respond well to yelling or spanking. So it be, Im giving myself ONE new year resolution and I think its one I wont forget and can definitely stick with...NO SPANKING, NO YELLING!
Now for the next two weeks I think I will definitely have my work cut out for me. The stress is high as Its a week lefft until christmas and I still have to finish my Grandmoms Christmas present, bake 12 dozen cookies including the gingerbread parfaits for christmas dessert, clean my house, puffy paint and hang the stockings, wrap christmas gifts, write and fill out and send out the christmas cards, and last but not least....watch Little Women over and over again  until my husband threatens to divorce me. :)
Have a Merry Christmas to my precious readers out there  :)

IN MY DARKEST HOUR........

I WALK ALONE.

Eve Rebecca's First Birthday

well its December 11th. Eve is now One year old. I cant believe how fast it went. But Ive been through this before, I know it goes fast! That is why I cherish every minute of it. Watching her every move. Not missing anything, any first. Her first roll, her first crawl, her first time finding her hand, even her first fart. I was there, finding it with her, crawling beside her. Just enjoying it. So was Talon. the best big brother ever. I had to admit I thought he was going to have a tough time of it, but he was great from the very begining. He has shown nothing but love. Even the jealousy that has been shown has not come out hostile at all. He really deserves a pat on the back, a high five and a huge hug or two. Which he gets everyday, hes my hero, that sweet little kid. So is Eve. I know God put me here to be there mom. That is clear to me, clearer everyday. All the suffereing Ive endured in this little life of mine, is worth it, cause I get to be there mom. I will admit to being more depressed then usual lately. I thought Id squeak on by through her first birthday and through the holidays without having the black cloud suffocate me, but everyone just keeps wanting to shove in my face and remind me that my mother is no here to enjoy it with us. She is gone. Maybe not completely, I still feel her. BUT its not the same. Its not in the flesh. My kids are my reasons, my only reasons....and as I play with them and teach them and learn wtih them, they make me happy. WIth them this suffocating cloud will break free, I just gotta ignore the other influences....and now as Eve and Talon are waking up from their naps its off to clean and make dinne and get ready for tomorrows tiny litle party for my lady bug. I love you Eve Rebecca, thank you for being you! It was a great first year, and I cant wait to see what else is in store~

Le Leche Loser

I feel like I've been nursing my whole life. It  came quite natural to me, the minute I first held my little Squiggle Worm son up to my breast he turned his little head and latched on, eating away like pro. I soon learned to nurse while doing dishes, pushing a stroller, brushing my teeth or hair, heck, I even would nurse in the tub. When we were out in stores if he started to squirm, Id whip out the boob and throw a blanket over us. I also read all of the breastfeeding horror stories of nursing women being asked to use the bathroom while NIP and thanked God that it never happened to me. I never once noticed anyone looking distastefully at me as I nursed my precious bundle of love. And Now as I nurse my LadyBug and continue on NIPing and multi tasking while nursing I still am the all might Milk Maiden as I nourish my babe and seize the day!
So imagine my shock when recently a bestie of mine, a girl Ive known for over ten years, tells me shes been holding a three year long grudge, becuase I nursed my toddler boy at her mothers funeral?! As we sat and talked some much needed girl talk, which we havent done in ages, and lets face it, I dont get any girl talk at all anymore since my friends ditched me...she took a break from talking about boys, to tell me she had been pissed off at me for three years because I NIPed at her mothers funeral.  I swear I saw my bubble burst! My NIPing life flashed in front of my eyes as I thought, did I offend anyone else in the past four years of nursing?? I read all the rights of NIPing and was down with the rules and regulations of NIPing...should I take a stand???SHould I be MAD? In  all honesty I was outright mortified! As Ive always cared about my friend and I wanted to be there for her at her time of need, as she was there for me years later at my own mothers funeral....Had I known! I wouldnt have done it. Had it not been neccesary, due to a toddler being restrained in the car for four hours and then had to keep quiet in a cramped funeral home....I was using the boob as a pacifier so he woundt disrupt the procession...yet I did just the opposite!  Oh BOOBS!

My Own Medicane

I was telling a couple who were argueing the other day, that it most likely is a case of "sabatoge". Where we can't accept being happy and content and do stupid or silly things to sabatoge it. Maybe thats what I do with all my relationships. After spending 20 or so years losing friends to death, meanness, moving or whatnot. Ive never really had a chance to be happy and stay happy. Things always change and it always seems for the worse. So maybe I just cant accept that I have friends. Maybe I subconciously did something.Its alot easier to push everyone away than have them be mean to me and push ME away.  I dont know, I know lately Ive spent alot of time apologising for things that I didnt do, but were actualy being done to me.
I know I cant apologise anymore, Im not a perfect person, Im definitely not a perfect friend, or mom. I know the only thing I can do now, is focus on the two poeple in my life who cant ignore my phone calls, and thats Eve and Talon. If I treat them right, I know its 100% certain that they wont just ditch me at the first mistake that I make.

SIck Days

I remember back when I had a job, if I suddenly came down with the stomach flu, all I had to do was dial my bosses number and say "vomit, cant come in, see youin a few days" and sleep until Im ALL better.
Well with two young kids, I cant call out sick, I cant care for them either, so what do i do? Its been a long time since Ive been OUT of commision. I mean Ill get the cold or the fever  but I can still grudgling muster up to slap together a pb&j sandwhich or whipe a tush with those hinderences. Now yesterday though, I had a WHOPPER Of a stomach virus. My guts coudnt have come out of me fast and furiously enough! And after they were all out and there wasnt a thing left to puke, I was left with my whole body aching and my tummy still sore. I was OUT. So I layed on the couch all day and didnt move. I managed to get up and change Eves diaper but after that Id lay back down in a faint. The kids made their usual mess at the start of the day, but i didnt get up to clean it up or have the energy to make Talon clean it up. I told Talon to make himself a sandwhich, since I coudnt get up, and Eve ate some of my saltine crackers along with an apple a plum and a handful of grapes. ofcourse she also took two saltine crackers and smooshed them into the floor then took great care to spread the love everywhere. Rory the kitten decided she wanted in on the action and grabbed the bag and shot out the room with it in her mouth, never to be seen again......atleast until Bob came home.
And when Bob DID get home, he just walked into the house looking around in shock. He said "You arent sick, you DIED!" I cant believe the place looks like this. Im still layed on the couch watching the fifth episode of TLCs Fabulous Cakes with Eve layed over my tummy and said "this is what the house looks like everyday I just get up and clean it before you come home" He looked at me with a new found respect. Or atleast I hope that was what the look was.
All in all, we made out okay. Mommy took a day off to get well. Eve didnt fall down, she did manage to rip the cover off of one of my favorite books "The Big Rumpus" so now instead of a cute baby face on the cover its just one eye and the word "THE".  Something sticky one the floor, and a misisng trashcan. Other than that, things are looking good. I spent the entire morning disenfecting the house, cause Im the female version of MONK. Its just what i do!

oh the gloom has set in

maybe its the daylight savings time. or the cold weather, or my monthly coming on for the first time since Eves birth..(old friend, where aret thou?) But lately Ive been feeling kinda glum. I love my life, my kids, my husband. Friends? Seems like my monthly friend isnt the only one hiding these days.
Where are my friends? I was thinking the other day, if I didnt make the effort to keep my friendships going, would they? It seems like Im always calling, always inviting and always lending an ear or shoulder.
I stopped making an effort on monday, to see what would happen. Its now friday, ONE friend called on Tuesday morning, I told her my son was throwing up. She has not called since not even to check in on how hes feeling....it makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong? Am I bad a friend? Maybe since I am a mom of two, wife and housekeeper I shoudnt need friends, have no time for them? Have they no time for me? In a way I feel betrayed, cause all the extra efforts I made to give and to listen have gone for nay. On the other hand, maybe its just me. I am being over dramatic?
It would be nice if someone checked in on me for a change, only my moms sister does every so often and thats about it. I guess this is proof that if we moved to Washington it would be fine, cause nobody would notice anyway....

Pitter Patter

Eve started walking recently. She stands up, puts her arms up like Godzilla or a T rex and starts carefully forward with the most focused of looks on her sweet little face. She can walk pretty far before shell sit or squat down to take a break, or catch a fall. I explain to Talon that she will need to have open space now so she doesnt trip. Talon is such a busy bee, or perhaps a tornado....in ten minutes flat  he can take out every toy he owns and spread them from one part of the house to the next. Im hoping the safetly of his sister will motivate him to keep that under wraps, cause nothing else certaintly has. Every mother most certainly knows the pleas of trying to encourage a kid to clean up after himself. We have a list of family Goals in our house, and one of them is only one toy, activity at a time. We all struggle with that goal, especially multi tasking mommy. Congratulations Eve Rebecca on taking your first steps...:)

Changes

Wow. Alot has happened since I last wrote. 
I see that no matter how much understanding I get of who I am, and who I want to be, I am always growing and never quite really there. What Ive learned about myself this month, I didnt know last month. I work everyday to be a better person than I was the day before, and there has been alot of major changes and experiences that have happened, to help me along in that process. Some horrible, sad and overwhelmingly painful, and others just downright annoying and frustrating, and one really sweet awesome bundle of love.
It all began with the birth of my daughter last December. To finally hold my daughter in my arms I realised again how much love I have in my heart for my kids, that is doesnt divide, it multiplies.
Around that time my mom started to cough. Her dr. brushed it off as nothing (even though she just overcame a bout of cancer thru surgery).  My mother and I as much as we loved eachother and as close as we were, often times fought. Over what? Oh my stupid pigheadedness really. She made mistakes in my childhood, and I just coundt let them go. WHY? I dont know. Lord knows how much I tried.  We had a silly little argument over it one day and we didnt speak for MONTHS. So ridiculous. Whats ever more ridiculous is something I havent been able to admit until now, and still dont think I can admit out loud, but during those three mnths i was so certain I would never speak to her again, that I went and stupidly destroyed EVERY SINGLE PICTURE that I owned of her. Cept for one, I found later...a.fter.....
My husband than came home and tells me he lost his job. We finally werent struggling financially anymore and he goes and loses his job! Trust in God though to see us through and we made it. He searched for months for antoher job not collecting ONE unemployment check and we made every rent payment and payed all our bills not getting behind. We even started looking for houses.
Husband finds a new job back in philly...yay....back home we go..but first... I get a call from my tearful aunt who asks if my dad called...we hadnt talked in months so I was confused until she told me mom was in the hospital. she coudnt tell me my dad had to...stage four brain and lung. The last converstaion i had with my mother was a stupid argument, and the last two months of her life she coudnt talk to me. She tried alot, but nothing would come out. I tried so many times to apologise for that day and for missing all of her last healthy months on this earth but I just coudnt. I wrote it in a note for her. I read it to her over as she layed up on life support, before we took her off.  I prayed she was strong. I held up strong for my kids and didnt fall apart for the sake of my children, but even though its almost two months later I still think about my mother laying there, tears flowing down her cheeks as she knew what we were about to do. I wonder how scared she must have been...to know that once they shut the machines off....i cant imagine. and it haunts me every nite before I close my eyes. And after my eyes close and the dreams begin shes alway there....smelling the same way, her sweet perfume in my nostrils as I press my face against her shoulders hugging her tightly. You dont realise how stupid and petty certain things are...until its too late. But this has taught me alot and made me grow as a person, growing that I coudnt have done otherwise. I dont know why things happen like this, why my mother?  All of these people running around hurting others and hurting themselves, my mom never did that. she never hurt anyone. She hurt me, but I FORGIVE her. can she come back now? I still feel like this is a bad dream. Well thanks to anyone who is reading this, for lending me your ear tonite. Saying things I havent said to anyone, but I feel a bit better I guess.

I always have to go to the bathroom while im nursing

Oh why Oh why do I ALWAYS have to use the bathroom while im nursing? Its not only than, but other times that I just cannot go. Like yesterday, we were looking at four houses, in two hours. I had to go, THE ENTIRE TIME. So naturally, I felt rushed to begin with, but how can I really KNOW how I feel about a house when my mind is on my bladder?  I didnt have to go before we left, I even tried. Maybe Ive been around a four year old for too long, and hes been rubbing off on me, cause its totally what I kid would do.
On a more somber note, I havent written in ages, but alot has happened. My estranged parents? Well they are back into my life, not because they realised maybe theyd been asking a little too much from me in terms of forgiveness or letting (the past) go, (seroiusly, that will NEVER happen) but becuase my mom got suddenly real sick. I shouldnt say it was too sudden though, she started coughing a year ago, weird cough, just dry. Her idiot dr. said she has allergies so for an entire year she coughed until one day she woke up and coudnt talk, or use her left arm and leg. After going to the hospital they diagnosed her with stage four lung and brain cancer. Two months later shes aged about 60 years, has very little hair left and is in alot of pain. Her dr. just last week misdiagnosed her again saying she had pink eye? who gets pink eye for a month? but again they beleived him and now just found out its a tumor behind her eye detaching a retina. Can we say LAWSUIT anyone? As far as Im concerened that nutty Dr. killed my mother. Im seriously thinking about filing a lawsuit agaisnt him. Im going to get a consult with a lawyer to see if I even have grounds to. I dont want vengonce, its not my belief, but i just want to protect anyone else he might MISdiagnose. And lets just say, it wouldnt feel BAD to see his lisence revoked. althought woudnt it be something to find out he wasnt even ligit in the first place?? When I was a kid he was MY dr. and he gave me pills to take for my uclerative colitis that almost killed ME. I stopped going to him after that, but ofcourse....well...if it was MY kid Id have sued him and found another dr...

Buttermilk and feather butts

So just a little tidbit of how clumsy I am, I am making cinamen coffee cake with my four year old ,while Eve, the babe watches from my arm. I open up the carton of buttermilk and go to pour one cup into the measuring cup when it "slips" out of my hand, pours all over my skirt and Eves leg and lands on the floor with a thud, on its side thus pouring more buttermilk onto the floor. Thankfully there was enough saved for the recipe!
On another note, my cute adorable Eve, wanted to be put down on her blanket this morning to play with her toys, which she put one of her blocks inher mouth, then started to crawl around making a growling sound, if that wasnt cute and "puppylike" enough I noticed that the kittens feather toy was stuck to her tush, looking quite like a tail....think she did that on purpous?

the mother in isolation

Out of the million and one good things about being a mother, there is just one bad thing and this bad thing sometimes takes the cake. Isolation. Not all mothers go through this, most of the mothers I know live close to relatives that they often see or have help them, or friends from mommy groups. Myself on the other hand, have none of these things. I dont have parents or siblings in my life. All my friends live far away and I dont have access to a car to go see them and when I do they are busy. I also cannot walk anywhere because Im stuck in this slummy apt. community trapped in by a busy highway which youd have to be crazy to try and cross. Crazy. That is what isolation will do to a person. I feel on the brink of insanity most days as Im tending to the kids, keeping them on their schedule, teaching talon his school lessons, feeding, cleaning, burping, dressing, undressing, bathing, strolling.
Isolation doesnt just only affect the mother either, nope it gets the kids too. Now Talon doesnt have consistant play time with his peers, he only has his mom and honestly, im boring sometimes. Especially when im just downright depressed because of the isolation.
All in all, my kids are my bestfriends and i am their bestfriends but seriously if i dont get some consistant sisterhood going on here Im going to lose my mind, whats left of it that is, remember I AM the clumsy mum.
As soon as my clumsy husband finds himself some work, Im going to signe Talon up for everything a four/five year old can do, and everything Eve can do. Maybe Ill find another clumsy mum who is looking for a friend. After all...misery likes company right?