Changes

Wow. Alot has happened since I last wrote. 
I see that no matter how much understanding I get of who I am, and who I want to be, I am always growing and never quite really there. What Ive learned about myself this month, I didnt know last month. I work everyday to be a better person than I was the day before, and there has been alot of major changes and experiences that have happened, to help me along in that process. Some horrible, sad and overwhelmingly painful, and others just downright annoying and frustrating, and one really sweet awesome bundle of love.
It all began with the birth of my daughter last December. To finally hold my daughter in my arms I realised again how much love I have in my heart for my kids, that is doesnt divide, it multiplies.
Around that time my mom started to cough. Her dr. brushed it off as nothing (even though she just overcame a bout of cancer thru surgery).  My mother and I as much as we loved eachother and as close as we were, often times fought. Over what? Oh my stupid pigheadedness really. She made mistakes in my childhood, and I just coundt let them go. WHY? I dont know. Lord knows how much I tried.  We had a silly little argument over it one day and we didnt speak for MONTHS. So ridiculous. Whats ever more ridiculous is something I havent been able to admit until now, and still dont think I can admit out loud, but during those three mnths i was so certain I would never speak to her again, that I went and stupidly destroyed EVERY SINGLE PICTURE that I owned of her. Cept for one, I found later...a.fter.....
My husband than came home and tells me he lost his job. We finally werent struggling financially anymore and he goes and loses his job! Trust in God though to see us through and we made it. He searched for months for antoher job not collecting ONE unemployment check and we made every rent payment and payed all our bills not getting behind. We even started looking for houses.
Husband finds a new job back in philly...yay....back home we go..but first... I get a call from my tearful aunt who asks if my dad called...we hadnt talked in months so I was confused until she told me mom was in the hospital. she coudnt tell me my dad had to...stage four brain and lung. The last converstaion i had with my mother was a stupid argument, and the last two months of her life she coudnt talk to me. She tried alot, but nothing would come out. I tried so many times to apologise for that day and for missing all of her last healthy months on this earth but I just coudnt. I wrote it in a note for her. I read it to her over as she layed up on life support, before we took her off.  I prayed she was strong. I held up strong for my kids and didnt fall apart for the sake of my children, but even though its almost two months later I still think about my mother laying there, tears flowing down her cheeks as she knew what we were about to do. I wonder how scared she must have been...to know that once they shut the machines off....i cant imagine. and it haunts me every nite before I close my eyes. And after my eyes close and the dreams begin shes alway there....smelling the same way, her sweet perfume in my nostrils as I press my face against her shoulders hugging her tightly. You dont realise how stupid and petty certain things are...until its too late. But this has taught me alot and made me grow as a person, growing that I coudnt have done otherwise. I dont know why things happen like this, why my mother?  All of these people running around hurting others and hurting themselves, my mom never did that. she never hurt anyone. She hurt me, but I FORGIVE her. can she come back now? I still feel like this is a bad dream. Well thanks to anyone who is reading this, for lending me your ear tonite. Saying things I havent said to anyone, but I feel a bit better I guess.