I was telling a couple who were argueing the other day, that it most likely is a case of "sabatoge". Where we can't accept being happy and content and do stupid or silly things to sabatoge it. Maybe thats what I do with all my relationships. After spending 20 or so years losing friends to death, meanness, moving or whatnot. Ive never really had a chance to be happy and stay happy. Things always change and it always seems for the worse. So maybe I just cant accept that I have friends. Maybe I subconciously did something.Its alot easier to push everyone away than have them be mean to me and push ME away. I dont know, I know lately Ive spent alot of time apologising for things that I didnt do, but were actualy being done to me.
I know I cant apologise anymore, Im not a perfect person, Im definitely not a perfect friend, or mom. I know the only thing I can do now, is focus on the two poeple in my life who cant ignore my phone calls, and thats Eve and Talon. If I treat them right, I know its 100% certain that they wont just ditch me at the first mistake that I make.
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