the wind in my sails...knocked to oblivion

today was a bit better then yesterday.  Meaning I was bit busier so my mind wasnt a constant supply of pain and self doubt as it was yesterday. I keep thinking back on the years, everything we did together from the dawn of our friendship to the dusk. Thinking about how I could have changed something, did differently. Was I the only one innitiating it all along?  i know towards the end, when she called to say she wasnt coming to eves birthday that i asked her to call me again later. i had made up my mind that i wasnt going to keep bugging her, if she wanted to still be my friend she would call me. she kept saying she lost my number, and even though she acted happy to hear from me when i called her, it just wasnt convincing enough. i didnt want to make her feel like she had to be kind to me when she just wanted to be left to her family. so i decided id let her come to me. but was it like that all along? i know i always wanted to be with her. to me she was the greatest. she was smart, funny, and had the sweetest kindest heart ive ever seen someone have. for years we spent almost every day together. we were so close, she knew i was pregnat before i could tell her. i knew she was pregnat before she told me. we felt things. but was i just imagining it all?
maybe she was just being polite about it the whole time and the feeling wasnt mutual?
what could i have done to not matter. maybe 'advice' is right. i must have done something to offend her. but if i matttered enough she would have told me, so that i can fix it. after 15 years you would think, that as imperfect as i am, i always try hard to treat others right. im not the smartest person, but i do try, and id like to think that my heart is in the right place.
no matter where my thought process starts , it always ends with my esteem crushed and feeling like trash. i feel dirty and tainted.  i dont know how else to explain it.  i just want this pain to stop.  I want to stop feeling like im the devil.  please God build me up so that i can live again without the overwhelming self doubt and confused heart.

i shall not walk alone

"Battered and torn
still I can see the light
Tattered and worn
but I must kneel to fight

Friend of mine
what can't you spare
I know some times
it gets cold in there

When my legs no longer carry
and the warm wind chills my bones
I reach for Mother Mary
and I shall not walk alone."

ellieliz and the no good horrible not nice very rotten bad bad day.

Last nite as I was poking around on facebook a bit, I came across a picture of my bestfriend of 15 years son. It was posted by her brother, she doesnt have facebook. she is yeshivish jewish which means shes extreley religious. I havent talked to her in a while, and though I had the creeping gut wrenching feeling that she was slowly edging all of her nonjewish relationships out of her life, I kept hope alive that I was special, and she would keep me. I am religious myself, but not jewish. And since we have been thru so much the past 15 years and her family always considered me family I thought maybe the reason she hasnt been calling, the reason she hasnt given me her neew phone number, address or emailed me in 7 months is becuase shes been busy. Well as I flipped thru his photos I saw one of him holding a baby girl. under it reead the caption "my neice". Did her other brother get married and have a baby? So I  instant message him and ask, did rivky have another baby? Yes! He replies. "she didnt even tell me she was pregnat" i quickly type. he simply replies, "time flies". If indeed that is all that could explain it. but it isnt. its a really crappy way to tell someone you have treated and thought of as a sister that you  no longer care for her. heart broken, heart sick  I break facebook connections with her husband, both her brothers and her fathers company. i cannot bear to be reminded. i quickly tell my husband who is far away and all he can do it send me hopes that I can overcome it. "i tell him that i wish i didnt care, but even as shes broken my heart along with the horrible pain i feel delighted and happy that shes had another baby.' He tells me its impossible for me to have apathy, and that is a good thing" ..."is it?" i retort.  he tells me that he hates to say it, but she wasnt thinking about my feelings. shes too involved in her new life. I lay awake most of the nite and toss and turn with bad dreams, when i finally forget and start dreaming about romantic vampires (watched twilight recently) im woken up by my happy children laying on both sides of me happy to start the day. I immediately remember why im so tired and my heart breaks again. but i do as i do every morning when i wake. i vow to not yell, i vow to not lose my patience, to treat my children as the blessings they are and be thankful for their faces. i vow to take care of all the things my loving God has put me in charge of.  I put a list of the things i need to do in my head, and then i get up and do them.  there is one other friend i have that is like a sister to me. i have not known her as long but she knows me well, and i her. she calls right after i wake. i dont feel like talking, but i answer the phone anyway and sure enough after a little bit i blurt out what rivky has done and how hurt i am. she gives me comfort. i am happy she called because it showed me someone cares, and im happy i answered becuase it was nice to talk to someone. im still cranky and off though. i get in the shower, the minute i set eves snack in front of her and ask talon to play nicely with her so that i can get a shower and wash my hair eve starts to cry. she doest allow me time to wash my hair but once the shower is off she is right there insisting to be held. clingy babe. she knows im off, so she will not leave my side. after the shower i get dressed and comb out my hair. everyday i think to myself that i need to start covering my hair. i even locate the scarfs i have in my head. but everyday wtih the business of my life i forget. i barely have time to comb out my hair and brush my teeth. i wash sheets, and make lunch for the kids and then we go outside to play sidewalk chalk and throw a ball around. eve and talon laughing and running around and nobody got hurt! after a while the sun and humidity got to me and talon needed to start his school work so we went inside, just as i open the door aurora flies out there.....run and grab her before she runs into the street, crisis averted. for now. i have to make the sandwhich bread so i sit talon down at the table to copy his lessons and go to start activating the yeast. eve is cranky and keeps climbing on the seat next to talon so she can be wtih him. i put her in her booster seat so she can be safer and hand her a crayon and a paper. she proceeds to draw long enough for me to add all the ingrediants in the bowl but then starts talking ot get down. i go and get her and she is tired and just wants me to hold her. so as im starting the mixer and pushing all the ingrediants towards the paddles with a wooden spatula a wet gooey piece of dough flies into my hair. as  im trying to get it out the wooden spatula is caught my the paddles and breaks in half and flies into the air likea  torpedo!  all becuase of my hair! signe from God? i immediately go, wash my hair out in the sink and tie it back and tie a scarf over my hair. i get the rest of the spatula out of the dough and start kneading it all the while eve is screaming and tugging at my shirt. as im kneading it i feel a sharp pink in my thumb. its a huge wooden splinter. i realise the dough is full of it. shoot! now i have to start over?! not a good day! i realise that im hugnry and need a snack and something to relieve the stress. i go to get a butterschotch krimpet and feel guilt. i then go to the frige and get one carrot for me and one carrot for eve. i take a bite of mine, she takes a bite of hers and then grabs mine and takes a bit of that too. then she throws them both on the floor. i pick them up, wash them off , and hand eve hers and set mine on the counter. i put all the ingrediants back into the mixer and start the mixer on low then turn it up a notch. sudddenly it starts to lift up and down like its talking to me and making funny noises. god help me my mixer is possessed! i pick up my carrot and take a bite out of it and immediately spit it out, i set it in spilled salt. yuck. i should have gone for the krimpet who eats a carrot to relieve pressure?
 i get it to the point where it needs to sit and rise and lay down with my darling eve who relieved to be rocked and nurse and bite into my delicious krimpet. im sending an S.O.S.  out to anyone out there who gets this. need help! How oh how am i going to be able to make it thru the rest of the week in this condition? im not even sure if im going ot make it thru this day? more later!

 

dear mom,
i think i understand why you always chose to hide away. why you often times so easily could push someone away even if you loved the more then life itself. at some point you have to protect yourself.
ive been pushing poeple away alot lately. i cant take anymore hurt.
im learning more and more how easy it is for poeple to push me away. friends i thought cared for me as much as i cared for them, lose contact and/or forget about me.
just found out someone ive been thru so much with, shared so many things with, had a baby. i didnt even know she was pregnat. im heart broken. ive been thinking for a long time her lack of contact was just being busy. Deep down Ive known for a while that her only contact with me was just out of being polite. she has been planning on dumping me for a while now. I am not the same religion as her. her religion does not allow her to talk to those outside of it. What did I expect?
heart broke.
heart sick.
welcome to the new chapter. i can continue to lock poeple out and protect myself from feeling this way ever again or i can let new poeple in and pray that they treat me with teh same respect and love i treat them with. does that happen? does it? does it? someone give me answers...someone...

They chose us?

Its 1 am and I open my eyes to see Eve sitting up staring groggely at the end table next to the bed. "shes wet." I think, I look on top of the end table but there are no diapers. Bob usually puts one there and there is none. I roll over and Bob is next to me, I nudge him and he wakes and sits up immediately glaring at me 'shes wet she needs a diaper' about ten minutes later he gets up and gets a diaper as Eve toss and turns and I go in and out of sleep. I change her, back to sleep. At about 6 am I wake to Talons knee in my stomach and Eve nursing. Rise and shine!
After running around dressing, brushing teeth and hair, eating, packing the diaper bag and running out the door half way backing out the driveway I realise i dont have my coupons. COUPONS! i gotta go get them. three and a half minutes later we are racing up the street to dear hubbys job. He kisses us all goodbye, (which makes Eve cry) and then we are off to our first stop at Aldis. the entire drive there Eve is saying Uh oh (she dropped a toy) and Hi (at the passing birds and dogs which im pretty sure she believes are her 'people') Talon asking me random questions and complaining that hes too hot and then five minutes later hes too cold. Then Eve found her carphone. I want that, he says. but its hers and shes been looking for it, look how happy she is! I counter. But I want it I want to be happy, not having that toy right now makes me sad. He stubbornly replies.  Now do I have the stop being selfish seeing other poeple happy should make you happy talk? would he even understand it? I turn the radio off and take a stab at it. by the time were turning into the grocery stores parking lot hes already onto the "ugh i hate this store" speal. I have a difficult child. He knows exactly what I expect from him and hell do the exact opposite. A few times I have heard people say, that our kids chose us. They pick us to be their parents before they are born. I always liked the way that sounded. If i believe that than I know that there is light at the end of this long tunnel of having a child who is stubborn,head strong, strong willed, contrary, just plain difficult. If he chose me than he knows that I will figure out how to mother him the way I should. Whatever it is that he needs to learn about life I can teach him, whatever patience he needs me to have, I will have it. so i remind myself of this as often as I can thru out each and every day. So we make it thru the grocery store, Talon talking ever bit of the way, Eve begging me for her mutli grain sunchips and my head spinning becuase I didnt have a chance to make out a list so I have to go off of my memory. HAH! Back home and lugging all the groceries in with one hand while carrying Eve with the other and trying not to let Aurora out becuase she is going thru that "im a big girl now and i gotta get outside and date' period of her life. all day like she "rowls" and "meeews" and bangs on the windows hoping for one of the stray cats to break her out of her jail cell. After getting all the groceries inside and put away, (the ones eve and talon didnt confiscate into a location i havent found yet) i feed the kids lunch and start to sweet the floors. (ill eat later) then im just about to lay Eve down for a nap, have talon do quiet time and sit down myself before having to go out again and the minute i sit down to nurse eve the phone rings. Everytime I either just sit down or go to the bathroom its the phone. I look outside my window see if anyone is watching me. Nope, just luck I suppose. I let the answering machine get it, its usually a telemarketer anyways. People that want me to go back to school. Really? I havent put enough of my life into school and they want me to go back? No thank you! After Eves nap we head back out to go to the second grocery store where I saved 36 dollars on my haul! yeah baby! The whole time eve and talon in the car cart Eve saying "ow" becuase talon keeps elbowing her inthe head and talon keeps complaining becuase her hand is on his wheel. We get home and I put in the third load of laundery for the day and start folding and putting away the other two. Play with the kids for a bit, vedge out on FB and back in the car to pick up bob the whole time Talon bothering me about trucks and pop tarts. back home, we heat up pizza in the oven, talk about our days and what we expect from the next day and Talon goes to use the bathroom to get ready for bed. the routine is pretty simple, go potty, wash hands, brush teeth and wash your face. He does it every nite. This nite he comes in and says ' i dropped the roll of toilet paper in the tiolet" yay i think. thankfully he took it out and threw it away. I go to use the bathroom and step into a puddle on the rug, i pick it up expecting it to be cat pee and sure enough, ZOE!! naughty cat!! I spent three days ripping the rug up in the back room so shell stop peeing on it. threw away the door mats becuase she was peeing on them, and now the bath mats??? What gives putter tat!? I love her but she is definitely going to be a barn cat when we move to the farm. Sorry Zoe, hope you like goats and pigs! Eve meets me in the bathroom and has a huge grin on her face, she has the look like she is about to do something so grand and monumental well never forget it. the same look she had when she started to say hello, and call talon 'tal tal' she put her little hand up at me and started to wave and as she walked away said 'bye!" lol Shes too much that little one, and thankfully she saved this newbie for when daddy was home so he can wittneess it too. Thanks little one!
At the end of the nite after the kids are in bed I am glad that my kids chose me. If the story is true, that is. As they sleep peacefully, I woudnt change anything about the day. So what if my skirt flew up showing my undies to the world in the parking lots of Giant? or that Talon told everyone in the check out line that I tooted? or that the day before Eve pulled my shirt up so she could nurse at the DMV then thru a fit when I coudnt nurse her. Love for your children is uncoditional, Whether they chose me or not, I know I chose them! And Ill take lots of more of them too!

Liz of greener Pastors

Its been a while since I wrote. I guess Iv e been busy. Being a mom, keeping up with the house hold and homeschooling has me quite the busy bee. I love every minute of it. I have been learning more to embrace everything that comes with it and not to complain. My daughter tips over the water bowls and spreads cat food all over the floor? How cute, shes learning about her surroundings, My son turns his room apart building a fort to play in? How imaginative! The kitten tears to shreds all of the toilet paper rolls...well by golly shes a kitten and that is what they do! I don t look at anything that comes my way as extra chores or a bother. It is my life, the one I so wanted to live and to have and I appreciate everything. I really do have come to learn to love all that is my life. And I welcome anything into it. Cept still...outsiders... I still cant bring my heart to trust other people. My friend that let me go 6 months ago suddenly starts calling me again, out of the blue like nothing ever happened. I stayed guarded but happy for her return but now she is gone again...My other friend who just had another baby Ive been trying to reach out to, but cant seem to let my guard down with her either. I just cant understand why I am so disposable to everyone. Even my own mother at times, could take or leave me so easily. Only my husband and my children and my cats seem to really enjoy to be around me. I cant even go to the bathroom without them bursting thru the door to tell me whats on their mind. But friends. well...I know its my own doing, but I just cant trust anyone enough to truelly let them into my heart. I dont know how to. Ive been hurt before, and Im so dispoable to them it seems, I guess Ill never really have myself a real true bosom buddy as Anne of Green Gables would say. Or maybe its just not coordinated for me to have one. Even so, as I mostly am alone, I stay strong in my religious convictions. I know we are protected and guided by the true Coordinater of my life! This makes me know that when I need a friend, one will come. I guess for now I have all that I need right here, in this home....that I might say, might soon be our OWN. More details for that though, later. RIght now I have to knit this blanket Ive been working on while the baby naps ;) Have a nice day readers!

Making Amends

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.” - Ephesians 6:12-13


For those of you I may have hurt in the present and in the past, I am making an effort to apologise and make ammends. I have been hurt by so many in my life, and for this I have no trust in human, only in God. This kind of distrust tends to make me want to push away, instead of pull close. So again I am sorry, please allow me to make right again. THis long road of life, is not an easy one, but I am doing my best to make it right, and to live rightiously