dear mom,
i think i understand why you always chose to hide away. why you often times so easily could push someone away even if you loved the more then life itself. at some point you have to protect yourself.
ive been pushing poeple away alot lately. i cant take anymore hurt.
im learning more and more how easy it is for poeple to push me away. friends i thought cared for me as much as i cared for them, lose contact and/or forget about me.
just found out someone ive been thru so much with, shared so many things with, had a baby. i didnt even know she was pregnat. im heart broken. ive been thinking for a long time her lack of contact was just being busy. Deep down Ive known for a while that her only contact with me was just out of being polite. she has been planning on dumping me for a while now. I am not the same religion as her. her religion does not allow her to talk to those outside of it. What did I expect?
heart broke.
heart sick.
welcome to the new chapter. i can continue to lock poeple out and protect myself from feeling this way ever again or i can let new poeple in and pray that they treat me with teh same respect and love i treat them with. does that happen? does it? does it? someone give me answers...someone...
i think i understand why you always chose to hide away. why you often times so easily could push someone away even if you loved the more then life itself. at some point you have to protect yourself.
ive been pushing poeple away alot lately. i cant take anymore hurt.
im learning more and more how easy it is for poeple to push me away. friends i thought cared for me as much as i cared for them, lose contact and/or forget about me.
just found out someone ive been thru so much with, shared so many things with, had a baby. i didnt even know she was pregnat. im heart broken. ive been thinking for a long time her lack of contact was just being busy. Deep down Ive known for a while that her only contact with me was just out of being polite. she has been planning on dumping me for a while now. I am not the same religion as her. her religion does not allow her to talk to those outside of it. What did I expect?
heart broke.
heart sick.
welcome to the new chapter. i can continue to lock poeple out and protect myself from feeling this way ever again or i can let new poeple in and pray that they treat me with teh same respect and love i treat them with. does that happen? does it? does it? someone give me answers...someone...
I read your two posts and want to point out that, knowing many religious Jews, they do keep in contact with those who are outside of their faith. Though, with the very fast paced lifestyle and lack of commonality, these relationships may deteriorate. If you were would suggest activities that she was interested in, than of course she would want keep a closer relationship. The problem is that the activities that she pursues are most likely not in your interest. You most likely want to "hang out" with her. Her lifestyle does not look positively on the concept of "hanging out". And especially not for an extended period of time...
ReplyDeletei would like to think that she knew me well enough to know that she can tell me what she would like to get out of our friendship seeing as she has changed. shes always been very vocal about that. however she did not. if she cared, she would have perhaps, given me her new address, or a way to reach her. stop " losing" my number, ect ect. i would think after 15 years of being incredibly close, so close i even named my daughter after her, that she would have the consideration to tell me, that she didnt want me in her life anymore.
ReplyDeleteYou have very valid reason to be upset, and am surprised that you have self-control enough not to be angry. I know that very religious Jews sometimes don't have cell phones or use internet. Obviously you meant well, but I know that the Jewish faith does not typically like to name after the living, I wonder what her reaction was to your naming your child after her. Jewish people are also very much into their immediate communities, so living outside of walking distance will typically deteriorate a relationship since they do not drive on the weekends...
ReplyDeletei did not know about the naming thing until after i did it. but i would have hoped that she knew i did it out of adoration for her. i always wanted her to just be happy. i was happy when she found religion. even when i knew that religion was taking her away from me. i expected this. i just didnt want to admit it until now. she does not care for me, and that hurts. it has nothing to do with distance, or where she is. she has used cell phones. she doenst use it call me. end of story, she told me a while ago that her motherinlaw who was not religious that they were edging her out and moving far becuase they did not want her unreligious influence on them and their children. i knew then, that my time with her was coming to a close. im hurt, not angry. and i learned from this experience and will not make the same mistakes again. and i am changing my daughters name, so she wont have to be offended by my good gesture any longer.
ReplyDeleteand they drive on sundays, and she drives during the week. you can try to give her excuses but you do not know her, i do. i dont know whether or not your advice is to make me feel better to give her an excuse but there is no excuse. she obviously meant more to me, then i did to her. this hit me as hard as losing my mother, cept the difference is she chose to leave me, my mother did not. i will move on as God intends me to, and my heart will heal and one day she will just be a memory.
ReplyDelete