Eve Rebecca's First Birthday

well its December 11th. Eve is now One year old. I cant believe how fast it went. But Ive been through this before, I know it goes fast! That is why I cherish every minute of it. Watching her every move. Not missing anything, any first. Her first roll, her first crawl, her first time finding her hand, even her first fart. I was there, finding it with her, crawling beside her. Just enjoying it. So was Talon. the best big brother ever. I had to admit I thought he was going to have a tough time of it, but he was great from the very begining. He has shown nothing but love. Even the jealousy that has been shown has not come out hostile at all. He really deserves a pat on the back, a high five and a huge hug or two. Which he gets everyday, hes my hero, that sweet little kid. So is Eve. I know God put me here to be there mom. That is clear to me, clearer everyday. All the suffereing Ive endured in this little life of mine, is worth it, cause I get to be there mom. I will admit to being more depressed then usual lately. I thought Id squeak on by through her first birthday and through the holidays without having the black cloud suffocate me, but everyone just keeps wanting to shove in my face and remind me that my mother is no here to enjoy it with us. She is gone. Maybe not completely, I still feel her. BUT its not the same. Its not in the flesh. My kids are my reasons, my only reasons....and as I play with them and teach them and learn wtih them, they make me happy. WIth them this suffocating cloud will break free, I just gotta ignore the other influences....and now as Eve and Talon are waking up from their naps its off to clean and make dinne and get ready for tomorrows tiny litle party for my lady bug. I love you Eve Rebecca, thank you for being you! It was a great first year, and I cant wait to see what else is in store~

Le Leche Loser

I feel like I've been nursing my whole life. It  came quite natural to me, the minute I first held my little Squiggle Worm son up to my breast he turned his little head and latched on, eating away like pro. I soon learned to nurse while doing dishes, pushing a stroller, brushing my teeth or hair, heck, I even would nurse in the tub. When we were out in stores if he started to squirm, Id whip out the boob and throw a blanket over us. I also read all of the breastfeeding horror stories of nursing women being asked to use the bathroom while NIP and thanked God that it never happened to me. I never once noticed anyone looking distastefully at me as I nursed my precious bundle of love. And Now as I nurse my LadyBug and continue on NIPing and multi tasking while nursing I still am the all might Milk Maiden as I nourish my babe and seize the day!
So imagine my shock when recently a bestie of mine, a girl Ive known for over ten years, tells me shes been holding a three year long grudge, becuase I nursed my toddler boy at her mothers funeral?! As we sat and talked some much needed girl talk, which we havent done in ages, and lets face it, I dont get any girl talk at all anymore since my friends ditched me...she took a break from talking about boys, to tell me she had been pissed off at me for three years because I NIPed at her mothers funeral.  I swear I saw my bubble burst! My NIPing life flashed in front of my eyes as I thought, did I offend anyone else in the past four years of nursing?? I read all the rights of NIPing and was down with the rules and regulations of NIPing...should I take a stand???SHould I be MAD? In  all honesty I was outright mortified! As Ive always cared about my friend and I wanted to be there for her at her time of need, as she was there for me years later at my own mothers funeral....Had I known! I wouldnt have done it. Had it not been neccesary, due to a toddler being restrained in the car for four hours and then had to keep quiet in a cramped funeral home....I was using the boob as a pacifier so he woundt disrupt the procession...yet I did just the opposite!  Oh BOOBS!

My Own Medicane

I was telling a couple who were argueing the other day, that it most likely is a case of "sabatoge". Where we can't accept being happy and content and do stupid or silly things to sabatoge it. Maybe thats what I do with all my relationships. After spending 20 or so years losing friends to death, meanness, moving or whatnot. Ive never really had a chance to be happy and stay happy. Things always change and it always seems for the worse. So maybe I just cant accept that I have friends. Maybe I subconciously did something.Its alot easier to push everyone away than have them be mean to me and push ME away.  I dont know, I know lately Ive spent alot of time apologising for things that I didnt do, but were actualy being done to me.
I know I cant apologise anymore, Im not a perfect person, Im definitely not a perfect friend, or mom. I know the only thing I can do now, is focus on the two poeple in my life who cant ignore my phone calls, and thats Eve and Talon. If I treat them right, I know its 100% certain that they wont just ditch me at the first mistake that I make.

SIck Days

I remember back when I had a job, if I suddenly came down with the stomach flu, all I had to do was dial my bosses number and say "vomit, cant come in, see youin a few days" and sleep until Im ALL better.
Well with two young kids, I cant call out sick, I cant care for them either, so what do i do? Its been a long time since Ive been OUT of commision. I mean Ill get the cold or the fever  but I can still grudgling muster up to slap together a pb&j sandwhich or whipe a tush with those hinderences. Now yesterday though, I had a WHOPPER Of a stomach virus. My guts coudnt have come out of me fast and furiously enough! And after they were all out and there wasnt a thing left to puke, I was left with my whole body aching and my tummy still sore. I was OUT. So I layed on the couch all day and didnt move. I managed to get up and change Eves diaper but after that Id lay back down in a faint. The kids made their usual mess at the start of the day, but i didnt get up to clean it up or have the energy to make Talon clean it up. I told Talon to make himself a sandwhich, since I coudnt get up, and Eve ate some of my saltine crackers along with an apple a plum and a handful of grapes. ofcourse she also took two saltine crackers and smooshed them into the floor then took great care to spread the love everywhere. Rory the kitten decided she wanted in on the action and grabbed the bag and shot out the room with it in her mouth, never to be seen again......atleast until Bob came home.
And when Bob DID get home, he just walked into the house looking around in shock. He said "You arent sick, you DIED!" I cant believe the place looks like this. Im still layed on the couch watching the fifth episode of TLCs Fabulous Cakes with Eve layed over my tummy and said "this is what the house looks like everyday I just get up and clean it before you come home" He looked at me with a new found respect. Or atleast I hope that was what the look was.
All in all, we made out okay. Mommy took a day off to get well. Eve didnt fall down, she did manage to rip the cover off of one of my favorite books "The Big Rumpus" so now instead of a cute baby face on the cover its just one eye and the word "THE".  Something sticky one the floor, and a misisng trashcan. Other than that, things are looking good. I spent the entire morning disenfecting the house, cause Im the female version of MONK. Its just what i do!

oh the gloom has set in

maybe its the daylight savings time. or the cold weather, or my monthly coming on for the first time since Eves birth..(old friend, where aret thou?) But lately Ive been feeling kinda glum. I love my life, my kids, my husband. Friends? Seems like my monthly friend isnt the only one hiding these days.
Where are my friends? I was thinking the other day, if I didnt make the effort to keep my friendships going, would they? It seems like Im always calling, always inviting and always lending an ear or shoulder.
I stopped making an effort on monday, to see what would happen. Its now friday, ONE friend called on Tuesday morning, I told her my son was throwing up. She has not called since not even to check in on how hes feeling....it makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong? Am I bad a friend? Maybe since I am a mom of two, wife and housekeeper I shoudnt need friends, have no time for them? Have they no time for me? In a way I feel betrayed, cause all the extra efforts I made to give and to listen have gone for nay. On the other hand, maybe its just me. I am being over dramatic?
It would be nice if someone checked in on me for a change, only my moms sister does every so often and thats about it. I guess this is proof that if we moved to Washington it would be fine, cause nobody would notice anyway....

Pitter Patter

Eve started walking recently. She stands up, puts her arms up like Godzilla or a T rex and starts carefully forward with the most focused of looks on her sweet little face. She can walk pretty far before shell sit or squat down to take a break, or catch a fall. I explain to Talon that she will need to have open space now so she doesnt trip. Talon is such a busy bee, or perhaps a tornado....in ten minutes flat  he can take out every toy he owns and spread them from one part of the house to the next. Im hoping the safetly of his sister will motivate him to keep that under wraps, cause nothing else certaintly has. Every mother most certainly knows the pleas of trying to encourage a kid to clean up after himself. We have a list of family Goals in our house, and one of them is only one toy, activity at a time. We all struggle with that goal, especially multi tasking mommy. Congratulations Eve Rebecca on taking your first steps...:)

Changes

Wow. Alot has happened since I last wrote. 
I see that no matter how much understanding I get of who I am, and who I want to be, I am always growing and never quite really there. What Ive learned about myself this month, I didnt know last month. I work everyday to be a better person than I was the day before, and there has been alot of major changes and experiences that have happened, to help me along in that process. Some horrible, sad and overwhelmingly painful, and others just downright annoying and frustrating, and one really sweet awesome bundle of love.
It all began with the birth of my daughter last December. To finally hold my daughter in my arms I realised again how much love I have in my heart for my kids, that is doesnt divide, it multiplies.
Around that time my mom started to cough. Her dr. brushed it off as nothing (even though she just overcame a bout of cancer thru surgery).  My mother and I as much as we loved eachother and as close as we were, often times fought. Over what? Oh my stupid pigheadedness really. She made mistakes in my childhood, and I just coundt let them go. WHY? I dont know. Lord knows how much I tried.  We had a silly little argument over it one day and we didnt speak for MONTHS. So ridiculous. Whats ever more ridiculous is something I havent been able to admit until now, and still dont think I can admit out loud, but during those three mnths i was so certain I would never speak to her again, that I went and stupidly destroyed EVERY SINGLE PICTURE that I owned of her. Cept for one, I found later...a.fter.....
My husband than came home and tells me he lost his job. We finally werent struggling financially anymore and he goes and loses his job! Trust in God though to see us through and we made it. He searched for months for antoher job not collecting ONE unemployment check and we made every rent payment and payed all our bills not getting behind. We even started looking for houses.
Husband finds a new job back in philly...yay....back home we go..but first... I get a call from my tearful aunt who asks if my dad called...we hadnt talked in months so I was confused until she told me mom was in the hospital. she coudnt tell me my dad had to...stage four brain and lung. The last converstaion i had with my mother was a stupid argument, and the last two months of her life she coudnt talk to me. She tried alot, but nothing would come out. I tried so many times to apologise for that day and for missing all of her last healthy months on this earth but I just coudnt. I wrote it in a note for her. I read it to her over as she layed up on life support, before we took her off.  I prayed she was strong. I held up strong for my kids and didnt fall apart for the sake of my children, but even though its almost two months later I still think about my mother laying there, tears flowing down her cheeks as she knew what we were about to do. I wonder how scared she must have been...to know that once they shut the machines off....i cant imagine. and it haunts me every nite before I close my eyes. And after my eyes close and the dreams begin shes alway there....smelling the same way, her sweet perfume in my nostrils as I press my face against her shoulders hugging her tightly. You dont realise how stupid and petty certain things are...until its too late. But this has taught me alot and made me grow as a person, growing that I coudnt have done otherwise. I dont know why things happen like this, why my mother?  All of these people running around hurting others and hurting themselves, my mom never did that. she never hurt anyone. She hurt me, but I FORGIVE her. can she come back now? I still feel like this is a bad dream. Well thanks to anyone who is reading this, for lending me your ear tonite. Saying things I havent said to anyone, but I feel a bit better I guess.