A Life without You

"As I walk through the shadow of the vally of death " Those were the words that the Minister had said when it finally hit me. My mom is in that box, my mom will be left here all alone, in the cold under a stone that says her name. I flashed back to the begining of my school life in 1st 2nd 3rd grade when Id be sitting in the car next to her, hoping shell tell me I didnt have to go out and go in that building with all the mean kids who hurt my feelings and would never be my friend no matter how hard I tried. Noone in there liked me, not even the teachers. My mom loved me, shed talk to me all day, I wanted to be with her where it was safe. I realised at that moment, in the graveyard, when the minister said "I walk through the valley of the shadow of death" That i had to get out of the car and go into that building where noone likes me and everyone hurts me feelings and be all alone, for the rest of my life. I am 29. I have alot of life left to live. People tell you " time will heal" and " she is no longer suffering, and is in heaven". But what they dont tell you, is how you can live on without her. Your bestfriend. The one who hurt you the most so you fought with the most, the one who you told everything to, and who told everything to you. Even the things you dont want to know, thank you very much mom but i dont need ot hear about your childhood obsession with Burt Reynolds! Im living my days trying my hardest to get my footing in this new life. The life that I no longer have my bestfriend, the only one who really knew me, and loved me for who I was. My mom was good at finding the good in me. She SAW it. If i made a mistake she didnt see me as the mistake that I made. she still saw ME. She was the only one who did that. And as for our fights, well we had doosies. As those who love eachother the most hurt eachother the most. I swore Id never talk to her again I was so hurt. Buut i knew that was just nonsense. and those of my flesh and blood and his ball and chain like to say that I shoudnt hurt becuase i didnt love her because i didnt speak to her for three months. Well I had 29 years wtih her, 3 months is nothing in the grand scheme of that, and you know it. And you instigitated those three months, you been working for years to put a wedge between me and her, and i can understand that. you were geting back at me for all the years it was her and I doing everything together, you wre jealous that you didnt have the relationship with your mother. I dont see how that is my fault,and why you had to go about things the way you did. Now you two look through me and my family like we are invisible and i understand that too. You know your hearts, your guilty for your intentions and if we are invisible, you dont have to face up to that. But you will. and we both know that. Other flesh and blood also decided that others who loved my mother should not hurt. How does one actually feel they can decide this? Who can hurt and who cant. I see how quick life really is. How realistic it is that one minute you are here, and the next minute your not. I question my own mortality. what if i get sick and die quickly? who will love my children as much as me, i worry about these things now. becuase they can really happen. My mother died, mothers die! what if i do too. My daughter had a rash on her cheeek for three days before my husband even realised it. What will happen to my children. Will they be lost too? My mother always said, that no matter how old you are you always need your mother. She would say this and Id believe her. Everything I did I always would think how my mom would feel about it. What she would say, if shed find it funny. Well I gues the only thing I can do now is go teach my son how to read and write and do basic math skills, while keeping my daughter entertained becuase its ten olcock. and thats our schedule. I will take it minute by minute. hour by hour. Now that I have to visualise my life with the loss, I cant bear to see it past right now.

a new day

The new year has started off pretty well. I got some supplies for all the art and craft projects I have going. Im working on making pillows for friends. I started this morning making two matching pillows for our old housemates christmas present. I know Im late, but it woudnt be me if i wasnt late on something LOL
I found this material at Odunde a while ago and I thought she would like it. Im really hoping she does! Shes been working really hard lately, on herself her house and so has her husband with his extensive college studies. I think a new little decorative pillow or two for their  newly remodled home will be a nice gift.
Talons studies are going great, he is LOVING to learn, I have been trying the new approach (since he is super excited to super self motivated) to let him guide his own studies and its been going great! Hes still learning everything (ahead of the usual kindergarten curriculam) so there is no worries. HEs not falling behind, hes actually  extremely ahead!)  Eve is enjoying her new baby dolls, she likes to hold them, feed them their bottles, (they watched my cousin feeding her baby bottles and now they think its fun, though im hoping they start "nursing" their little ones again cause its so much better for the baby hahaha! )when she isnt taking off all of her clothes and running away laughing shes climbing, stacking and pumbeling her big brother.
 Ive also been deep cleaning and reorganizing my entire house! it is so FREEING to get rid of old stuff and clean out the old junk and dirt. I feel like a whole new ME! even though its my house. But its working on overcoming this depression and  hey if it works it works. Im going with it. I also still call my friend or atleast try to wheni have a free moment. she seems still mad at me (what did i do exactly?) but whatever. I know Im doing my best and that is all that matters. I also havent yelled or spanked in two days. The kids are much better for it, talon hasnt even done anything wrong in atleast a few hours (har har har)  Maybe Im on to something. I may not have alot of trust in humans these days but my trust is still in my faith and with that, Im doing all right.

Ellieliz and the In Crowd

My son took this picture of me with his camera. His unbreakable camera. True to its word despite it being thrown down the stairs, dropped,kicked across the floor and banged into everything hes had it for years and it continues to work. He's taken a thousand pictures in this time span and most of which are blurry hes gotten a few good shots. I like this one he took of me becuase Im not just smiling for the camera, i hate my fake camera smile. This is me smiling at him. When I gave birth to Talon, he changed my world. He made it brighter. He did that for me. and I owe him everything now. Having Eve just kept the flame going...my kids are my WHOLE world. Without them, I would be nothing. And believe me, I was nothing without them.
I  was raised under the "children should be seen not heard" rule. And under this rule, matter my parents meant to or not, I felt like all I had to do, to not be liked was to merely exist. I was bullied relentlessly by my so called peers from kindergarten up till graduation day, Even as I stood  on the hot asphalt behind the kid whos last name also started with a C, wearing my cap and gown wondering why I hadnt recognized most of the kids around me. Had I gone to school with these poeple? was I at the right graduation? I was...it was just that by the time I hit senior high, I had learned to look at my feet or straight ahead and to not make any sudden moves punishable by social death. I, however was already dead. All I ever wanted was one friend I could count on. One friend who woudnt twist my words, or turn others against me, or build me up with encouragment. All the things I do for them.  I am not a mean person, in fact alot of poeple constantly tell me Im the nicest person theyve met. Or..I dont have a mean bone in my body. So why then do I always get the brunt of human meanness? Why is the incrowd always bullying me down, to build themselves up? Why am I always the target? .....why do i have no friends.   If im so darn nice, why do I always get the short end of the darn stick?  I guess no matter who you surround yourself with it always comes down to this. Its a dog eat dog world. I guess I just have to get out my utensils and start plating up some dogs. Maybe I cant just be kind anymore to earn good relationships with others, maybe thats not the right way of going about it. I guess I need to start joining others. Eat first, or be eaten? Is that how it goes? ah shucks. whatever......I learned my lesson, trust noone. Fend for yourself, and love on these kids of mine, becuase besides my God, they are the only  ones whose opinion of me matters. My sweet cherub babes with the best hugs in the world. I smile for them...i mean not that fake smile just for the camera.....

Ho Ho What?

As this year is coming to a close, Ive been doing the normal "what can I change about my life to make it better Resolutions". I realise there is alot Id like to change every year. Last year I resolved to be more patient, learn a new language and ...oh there was something else im sure of it, but I coudnt tell you. I think my husband wrote it down somewhere. HA HA! I know I know, Im not the only one to make resolutions and lose sight of them after a month or two. I DID have a very wonderfully generous friend tutor me in french for a few months, until I had my daughter and well things just got so busy for the both of us, her in Law school, me up to my eyes in kids and house work. Have I been more patient? I know Ive been trying. Ive been speaking in just above a whisper to the kids so that if I do lose my temper (which lets face it, I do) Raising my voice still wont be so loud.  I swore Id never hit my kids, never spank. Then a friend who already had a few said that if I didnt swat their butt or the palm of their hand for being rough with the animals or touching something dangerous that they wont take it seriously. Sure enough a swat on the butt for pulling the cats tail turned into a swat on the butt for getting on my nerves. I had opened up the flood gates for a really trying few years and not for me, for my son. Lately after a lot of soul searching I decided that with Eve and starting fresh with Talon I will follow my gut instincts and not spank anymore. For any reason. I should have followed my own istincts before. What works for someone elses children might not work for my own. I realise that now! Talon doesnt respond well to yelling or spanking. So it be, Im giving myself ONE new year resolution and I think its one I wont forget and can definitely stick with...NO SPANKING, NO YELLING!
Now for the next two weeks I think I will definitely have my work cut out for me. The stress is high as Its a week lefft until christmas and I still have to finish my Grandmoms Christmas present, bake 12 dozen cookies including the gingerbread parfaits for christmas dessert, clean my house, puffy paint and hang the stockings, wrap christmas gifts, write and fill out and send out the christmas cards, and last but not least....watch Little Women over and over again  until my husband threatens to divorce me. :)
Have a Merry Christmas to my precious readers out there  :)

IN MY DARKEST HOUR........

I WALK ALONE.

Eve Rebecca's First Birthday

well its December 11th. Eve is now One year old. I cant believe how fast it went. But Ive been through this before, I know it goes fast! That is why I cherish every minute of it. Watching her every move. Not missing anything, any first. Her first roll, her first crawl, her first time finding her hand, even her first fart. I was there, finding it with her, crawling beside her. Just enjoying it. So was Talon. the best big brother ever. I had to admit I thought he was going to have a tough time of it, but he was great from the very begining. He has shown nothing but love. Even the jealousy that has been shown has not come out hostile at all. He really deserves a pat on the back, a high five and a huge hug or two. Which he gets everyday, hes my hero, that sweet little kid. So is Eve. I know God put me here to be there mom. That is clear to me, clearer everyday. All the suffereing Ive endured in this little life of mine, is worth it, cause I get to be there mom. I will admit to being more depressed then usual lately. I thought Id squeak on by through her first birthday and through the holidays without having the black cloud suffocate me, but everyone just keeps wanting to shove in my face and remind me that my mother is no here to enjoy it with us. She is gone. Maybe not completely, I still feel her. BUT its not the same. Its not in the flesh. My kids are my reasons, my only reasons....and as I play with them and teach them and learn wtih them, they make me happy. WIth them this suffocating cloud will break free, I just gotta ignore the other influences....and now as Eve and Talon are waking up from their naps its off to clean and make dinne and get ready for tomorrows tiny litle party for my lady bug. I love you Eve Rebecca, thank you for being you! It was a great first year, and I cant wait to see what else is in store~

Le Leche Loser

I feel like I've been nursing my whole life. It  came quite natural to me, the minute I first held my little Squiggle Worm son up to my breast he turned his little head and latched on, eating away like pro. I soon learned to nurse while doing dishes, pushing a stroller, brushing my teeth or hair, heck, I even would nurse in the tub. When we were out in stores if he started to squirm, Id whip out the boob and throw a blanket over us. I also read all of the breastfeeding horror stories of nursing women being asked to use the bathroom while NIP and thanked God that it never happened to me. I never once noticed anyone looking distastefully at me as I nursed my precious bundle of love. And Now as I nurse my LadyBug and continue on NIPing and multi tasking while nursing I still am the all might Milk Maiden as I nourish my babe and seize the day!
So imagine my shock when recently a bestie of mine, a girl Ive known for over ten years, tells me shes been holding a three year long grudge, becuase I nursed my toddler boy at her mothers funeral?! As we sat and talked some much needed girl talk, which we havent done in ages, and lets face it, I dont get any girl talk at all anymore since my friends ditched me...she took a break from talking about boys, to tell me she had been pissed off at me for three years because I NIPed at her mothers funeral.  I swear I saw my bubble burst! My NIPing life flashed in front of my eyes as I thought, did I offend anyone else in the past four years of nursing?? I read all the rights of NIPing and was down with the rules and regulations of NIPing...should I take a stand???SHould I be MAD? In  all honesty I was outright mortified! As Ive always cared about my friend and I wanted to be there for her at her time of need, as she was there for me years later at my own mothers funeral....Had I known! I wouldnt have done it. Had it not been neccesary, due to a toddler being restrained in the car for four hours and then had to keep quiet in a cramped funeral home....I was using the boob as a pacifier so he woundt disrupt the procession...yet I did just the opposite!  Oh BOOBS!