Ellieliz and the In Crowd

My son took this picture of me with his camera. His unbreakable camera. True to its word despite it being thrown down the stairs, dropped,kicked across the floor and banged into everything hes had it for years and it continues to work. He's taken a thousand pictures in this time span and most of which are blurry hes gotten a few good shots. I like this one he took of me becuase Im not just smiling for the camera, i hate my fake camera smile. This is me smiling at him. When I gave birth to Talon, he changed my world. He made it brighter. He did that for me. and I owe him everything now. Having Eve just kept the flame going...my kids are my WHOLE world. Without them, I would be nothing. And believe me, I was nothing without them.
I  was raised under the "children should be seen not heard" rule. And under this rule, matter my parents meant to or not, I felt like all I had to do, to not be liked was to merely exist. I was bullied relentlessly by my so called peers from kindergarten up till graduation day, Even as I stood  on the hot asphalt behind the kid whos last name also started with a C, wearing my cap and gown wondering why I hadnt recognized most of the kids around me. Had I gone to school with these poeple? was I at the right graduation? I was...it was just that by the time I hit senior high, I had learned to look at my feet or straight ahead and to not make any sudden moves punishable by social death. I, however was already dead. All I ever wanted was one friend I could count on. One friend who woudnt twist my words, or turn others against me, or build me up with encouragment. All the things I do for them.  I am not a mean person, in fact alot of poeple constantly tell me Im the nicest person theyve met. Or..I dont have a mean bone in my body. So why then do I always get the brunt of human meanness? Why is the incrowd always bullying me down, to build themselves up? Why am I always the target? .....why do i have no friends.   If im so darn nice, why do I always get the short end of the darn stick?  I guess no matter who you surround yourself with it always comes down to this. Its a dog eat dog world. I guess I just have to get out my utensils and start plating up some dogs. Maybe I cant just be kind anymore to earn good relationships with others, maybe thats not the right way of going about it. I guess I need to start joining others. Eat first, or be eaten? Is that how it goes? ah shucks. whatever......I learned my lesson, trust noone. Fend for yourself, and love on these kids of mine, becuase besides my God, they are the only  ones whose opinion of me matters. My sweet cherub babes with the best hugs in the world. I smile for them...i mean not that fake smile just for the camera.....